Follow your heart
Hello you tub of margarine.
It has been a very full couple of weeks, my friends. This is likely not a surprise to anyone, least of all myself. I knew starting a PhD in a new field in the middle of a pandemic and period of massive social upheaval was going to be a chaotic experience. But knowing and accepting the chaos is not the same as living it. So I have appreciated the check-ins and support from people as I slowly digest my lived experience of this moment and come to terms with the need to make changes to accommodate the chaos (including our shift to bi-weekly dispatches).
Don't get me wrong: I am thrilled to be on this path-- in many ways, it feels like exactly what I should be doing. But as we all know, sometimes the things we want the most are also the things we fear the most, and in response to that fear I have a tendency to be overambitious, create distractions for myself and basically get in my own way. My sister (and platypus guest blogger) Leah has been a big champion for anticipating this and supporting me in seeking a sustainable balance as this PhD adventure kicks off: so off the top, to her and several other dear friends who have been so supportive and encouraging of this process of transition these past few weeks, THANK YOU! I am so grateful for the community and support around me. It is an enormous gift.
But enough sappiness.... kinda. So I knew this was going to be a chaotic autumn. But within the maelstrom, I have been interested to explore where some of the overwhelmedness originates. I am predictably being exposed to a firehose of new information and traditional "knowledge" from a new field that I have not looked at in an academic capacity for many years. However, I find the chaos right now has less to do with the content or even quantity of new information, and much more to do with the experience of transition and self-redefinition itself-- of doing something so completely new and not knowing where I fit (yet). Whether it is embracing the weirdness of Zoom, navigating the unwritten/unspoken culture of my new department and new colleagues, trying to cultivate more Shoshin (embracing a beginners mind and increasing intellectual humility), or taking guesses at what good research looks like: the day-to-day experience of rewriting my place in the world has been a massive trip.
Surprisingly, part of what has been grounding for me in this experience so far has been the ability to write. Of course there is lots of writing to do as part of the course work I am now responsible for, but I am FAR from a perfect or even very good writer, both in discipline and in craft. When it comes to fiction writing, I have not picked up my novel in a robust way since COVID, and writing even one good sentence of dialogue still eludes me. And when it comes to academic writing, I am so out of practice at this point that I feel like I am basically back to square one.
But even though I don't know what I am writing, or writing it well, I have some fresh muscle memory to fall back on from almost two years of writing these dispatches. I didn't start this platypus exercise with the goal of... well, anything really. I wanted to write better, I enjoy connecting with people and ideas, I wanted to get better at expressing myself, and I know that I do difficult things more reliably with accountability (and maybe a little ritual). So I started these weekly dispatches, basically to do SOMETHING to scratch the itch I had been nursing for many years.
While I was not really aware of it, as I was slowly plugging away at this weekly writing practice, I was also slowly changing my experience of myself and my understanding of the ways I could move in the world (and speaking of incremental transformation, did I mention I joined a group of lovely people to wend our way through a 12-week Artists Way course together this fall? Highly recommended for those interested in connecting with their inner voice)
When I started contemplating this project back in 2017, I never could have anticipated that I would eventually be starting a PhD during a global pandemic, or that the practice I was embarking upon would end up being such a welcome anchor in the midst of this crazy endeavour. So I wanted to acknowledge this unintended but very serendipitous connection between the journey I am on and these weekly dispatches that you so generously devote time to reading. And to welcome you this week to
DO WHAT YOU LOVE (EVEN A LITTLE BIT, AND WITHOUT EXPECTATION) JUST BECAUSE YOU LOVE IT
All of us struggle to know what to work on, how to spend our time meaningfully and how to live well-- this struggle is part of what we are exploring in these dispatches every week, in a lot of ways. As I reflect on the past month and look to the path ahead, I am so grateful that I listened to my inner voice years ago, threw myself into this writing project for the heck of it, and let it be whatever it was simply for the joy of doing something that feels meaningful. But importantly, I am also so grateful for the accompaniment-- having a group of people who receive the (sometimes very shoddy) things I have been putting out into the world with patience, understanding and generosity.
I am not a great writer, but I am learning thanks to all of you who are supporting me on that journey, whether as an active cheerleader or simply by reading what I write sometimes. I am deeply grateful for all of it.
Since we are already marinating in sappiness, I wanted to close with two things: a quote from Toni Morrison in an interview with the Paris Review that I think connects with what I am trying to say in my weird platypus way, and says it much more poetically:
"I am myself a storyteller, and therefore, an optimist—a firm believer in the ethical bend of the human heart; a believer in the mind’s appetite for truth... From my point of view, your life is already a miracle of chance waiting for you to shape its destiny. From my point of view, your life is already artful—waiting, just waiting, for you to make it art."
And secondly: I didn't want to close without recognizing the passing of Ruth Bader Ginsburg last week, and how she wanted to be remembered as:
"Someone who used whatever talent she had to do her work to the very best of her ability. And to help repair tears in her society, to make things a little better through the use of whatever ability she has. To do something... outside myself. ‘Cause I’ve gotten much more satisfaction for the things that I’ve done for which I was not paid." (from an interview with MSNBC)
I wish you a joyful end of September, friends. May you do a little bit of something you love this week, just because.
But wait! Perhaps all of this talk of following your bliss in the midst of a pandemic is feeling a bit too intense on a sunny Sunday morning? Well then check out this guide to preparing for living well during the pandemic this winter, and explore some of the ways-- both practical and artistic-- to set yourself up for a comfortable and meaningful season.
Still too much realness? Then please enjoy this short video of someone following their love a certain song from A-ha...
From one learning person to another, I am glad that we can do what we find meaningful together. I hope you enjoyed this dispatch, and have a joy-filled week!
Until next Sunday,
The Earnest Platypus