Taking good care of all your selves

Hello you doggie in the window.

Hey, remember two weeks ago when the term "social distancing" didn't really exist in our collective consciousness? When you didn't feel like you needed to hold your breath while riding the elevator? When your main source of existential dread revolved around that mole on your foot that may or may not have changed slightly?  When you weren't constantly obsessing over the idea of painting elaborate murals on every wall of your home?

Yeah, me neither.

I don't mean to make light of this moment. It is unprecedented and terrifying and completely disorienting. I have found that allowing myself moments to feel truly scared or angry or alone helps takes the energy out of some of that fear and pain, and allows me to find a bit of balance (and even humour) right now.

Because let me be clear: I am scared. For the world and all of the people in it, for Canada, for my community, for my friends, for my family, and for my self. I don't typically get too personal in these dispatches.  But this week I feel compelled to wax a bit, if you will indulge me. Everyone is going through their own reckoning with this crisis, and I am not trying to paint myself as a special case. But I do want to share some initial personal reflections, in case they are resonant for others. 

In short, I feel enormously grateful to be in the position I am in. I have a safe and comfortable home in which to isolate myself. I am SO lucky to live close to one of my loving and lovely sisters (and her partner and their puppy and kitty) with whom I can go back and forth and spend time in communion with others. I can do some of my work virtually. I have so many of my basic needs met. There is a lot to be so grateful for within my personal self-distancing situation.

However,  the reality is that I am also an immune-compromised woman with a long history of asthma. This has never been a big deal. Thus far, aside from not being able to take scuba lessons and having had to adopt a rigorous hand hygiene regimen before this pandemic kicked off, neither of these physical conditions had much of an impact on my life (a topic we explored almost a year ago now). The limitations of my body were part of my self-tapestry, but were a mere footnote at best in defining who I am as a whole person. 

But with COVID-19, who I am as a physical being is all of the sudden front and center. It is THE defining feature in a lot of ways. And so my life has come to a relative stand-still as I act in earnest to avoid putting myself in harms way (since there is a very real risk of complications if I were to get the virus). And at the same time, I have been confronted with/ cannot escape the reality that my physical immunity status is rewriting my self-definition and sense of purpose in society in some pretty fundamental ways. 

Most challenging for me in these early days has been that, in my life up until now, I have often wanted to be the person to help, to volunteer, to step in and step up. Caveat: to be clear, I have not stepped up all the time, and often imperfectly-- I am not claiming to be a saint at all. But my instinct is to try.  And not only because it feels like the right thing to do as a human being, but also because I genuinely enjoy being part of our collective efforts to create a better world.  However, with the limitations that my physical self now presents-- and my social status transforms from being one of the "helpers" to one of the "helped"-- I find myself feel deeply challenged to understand my place in the world while at the same time feeling very physically vulnerable in that world.

There is so much that needs to be done, but I can do very little to help myself or others in a practical way right now. My emotional and spiritual selves want to dive in and get my hands dirty: to volunteer for meals on wheels, or help with screening people, or SOMETHING. ANYTHING. But I simply cannot step up in these ways and stay safe, and this in some ways feels as existentially confrontational as the prospect of getting sick. What is my purpose (aside from keeping myself alive)? What is my identity as a person in this new world? Am I still even part of society?  What about in the future? 

I know a lot of people are grappling with similar issues of personal vulnerability and identity-- and often much more difficult issues than these-- but for me in this moment, while I am keeping my head above water, I am taking very seriously the task of trying to figure out who and what I am as this new world settles in around us all.

As a small post-script, I will say the small silver lining is that, like many other people, this moment is also forcing me to examine the social expectations I have of myself and others. And so I have been forced to get better at/ get more comfortable with both asking for and receiving help. Which I am not great at, but which feels like something positive ultimately.

So I am doing my best to make friends with my slowly evolving sense of self and my place in the world as this crisis kicks off in small and big ways. There is lots to do and still many ways that things will unfold across the globe and for each of us individually. But I thought I would share some of my initial reflections, in case they are resonant for others.  As always, I am happy to continue the conversation together! Feel free to drop me a line.

And so, back to our regularly scheduled dispatch... As I alluded to above, obviously I have been thinking this week about the different "selves" that make up who I am in the world and to the world. And so, in case you are grappling with a similar kind of disorientation, I thought I would share a few links that I have appreciated lately which speak to the different potential needs of your physical, emotional or spiritual self right now.


YOUR PHYSICAL SELF

Let's be honest: you have scrolled your timeline until your thumb is raw. You don't need more information about how to protect your body. But in case you are looking for some new juicy gems:

  • I think this quick and visually beautiful video does a great job of capturing the COVID-19 pandemic and virus in a nutshell.

  • There are tons of people on twitter and elsewhere sharing important information about how to stay safe. Personally, I am a big fan right now of Dr. Theresa Tam (Canada's Chief Public Health Officer) both online and in the daily press scrums

  • And in honor of our body's new best friend, I liked this article remembering the inventor of hand sanitizer, Lupe Hernandez

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YOUR EMOTIONAL SELF

Once we are in quarantine, as I have experienced above, the realities of confronting one's own emotional self can be a job in and of itself.
 

 


YOUR SPIRITUAL SELF

This self requires things that are much more specific to each person, but I wanted to include it as a category so we don't forget about it. And to share a couple of ideas in case you are interested:
 

  • Renowned meditation teacher and leader Tara Brach has put together a free guide for creating a home retreat that I am definitely going to be trying out

  • As many of you know, I am an avid meditator myself, and have adapted my practice a bit. I have invited others to do so, and am inviting Earnest Platypus readers as well to join me in a (virtual) group meditation daily at 8am and 8pm, for about an hour each time. I miss one here and there, but I have been pretty consistent if you want to share in the practice. There is nothing really to do except to show up, be in the energy and know that there is a small group of us doing the same thing at the same time with mindfulness and intention. For me, this is a small but beautiful thing to share together.

  • And if all else fails friends, I highly recommend getting on facetime with your fam and singing "How much is that doggie in the window" to open up your daily family check-in. Works wonders for me!

  • As a quote to leave you with, this wisdom has never felt more relevant: “The future is completely open and we are writing it moment to moment” - PEMA CHODRON



But wait! Perhaps all of this talk of social distancing and isolation is feeling a bit too intense on a sunny (and solitary) Sunday morning? Then you will be pleased to know that archeologists have discovered a 44,000 year old cave painting in Indonesia, believed to be the oldest graphic story in existence. Inspiring news! People have been producing great art in isolation for millennia! Get on it, you little Picassos!

Still too much realness?  Then do yourself a cuteness-overload favour and check out some pictures of quokkas (thanks Louisa!)

From one distanced person to another, I am glad that we can tend to all dimensions of our selves together. I hope you enjoyed this dispatch, and have a safety-and-health-filled week!

Until next Sunday,
The Earnest Platypus

Earnest PlatypusAmy BartlettCOVID, self-care, identity, fearComment