Discombobulation is the name of the game
Hello you velvet Elvis.
As much as I am trying to keep a bit of a firewall between my academic blog and the things I write about here, the reality is that a lot of what I have been reflecting on is informed by how I spend my days. And what I am marinating in nowadays is this intense experience of going back to school, for better or for worse. I know what I am doing not super relatable to many people, but I do find a lot of the questions I am grappling with both in and out of the classroom open up larger reflections about how to live well. So hopefully you will forgive the ongoing referencing of the relatively unrelatable source of most of my reflections of late. Since launching into it all this autumn, I have already started anticipating some of the contours of making a life change, and thinking about some of the ways I consciously or unconsciously created the conditions to find myself in this position. We are well down the navel-gazing path in a lot of ways. So I guess let's keep winding our way into life's belly-button!
One of the things I have been asking myself lately is around this question of self-definition, and what it means to "be" in this moment of change. Whether it is navigating the pandemic, starting a new job, grappling with the Black Lives Matter awakening, having a baby, starting or ending a relationship, navigating an illness, questioning one's relationship with the universe, saying goodbye to a loved one or completely reorienting one's life path-- once a big life shift has happens (or is in the process of happening), this often means a change in how one sees and experiences oneself. This doesn't have to be a big dramatic or traumatic thing (although what if we thought about emotional trauma the same way we think about physical trauma?). Indeed, it can be energizing and exciting to navigate the process of releasing, reorienting and refining ones sense of self. But big life changes often result in at least a little discombobulation.
And for me, this autumn has felt quite discombobulating. But of course, it has for everyone. Thinking about the ongoing pandemic in particular and everything that has flowed from this, there is an experience of individual and collective existential questioning that I think will be rippling far into the future of our species (if we are lucky). And I say "if we are lucky" because I do think humanity is at a bit of a crossroads, and we have been forced to think about how we want to "be" on that collective level. As Fareed Zakaria notes in this great op-ed about the moment we are in and the choices we face as a species:
"It is a dangerous moment. But it is also in times like these that we can shape and alter [our world]. To complete the story of our future, we must add in human agency. People can choose which direction they want to push themselves, their societies and their world... this ugly pandemic has created the possibility for optimism, change and reform. It has opened a path to a new world. It’s ours to take that opportunity or to squander it."
It is a hopeful and inspiring but urgent message. It makes me feel the immense weight and pressure of "now", with the balance of humanity teetering on the edge of this moment in history and the choices we are faced with. Whew! Navigating species-level change is overwhelming. But part of what helps me bring this macro-level reflection into the real world is to also think about how we can engage meaningfully with this moment-- or any major shift-- on the personal level.
Because let's be honest--- that is where a lot of the existential rubber hits the road.
While there is a lot of potential for humanity in this moment, Courtney Martin in her blog post asks us to reflect on the discombobulation by taking stock of what we have missed with the pandemic: “We miss lives we thought we would have had a chance to live into by now. We miss people we never met--strangers and lovers and babies. We miss the variety of touches we would have felt, the ways we would have shown up for one another, would have hugged one another after our eyes became pools of tears. We miss experiences we were going to have and the ways they were going to shape us. We miss that shape of ourselves. We miss so much of who we might have been.”
This reflection on what has been undone, and mourning what has been lost, is an important step in turning towards what we have moving forward.
Except, you know... moving forward.... ugh.... Moving forward towards what? With what? How? With whom? When? And most importantly why?
This seems to be where I am stuck, for now. More discombobulation! But it is all part of the process of navigating change and self-redefinition. However, in case you need a little palate cleanser.... Rilke (from Letters to a Young Poet) has some good advice for pondering these big questions:
"Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language.
Do not now look for the answers.
They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them.
It is a question of experiencing everything.
At present you need to live the question.
Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day."
Ahhhh... that helps. And if poetry is not your bag, I think this guide for making big decisions right now could be helpful. Or maybe just write a series of letters to future "me" to look back on the evolution of your Self during this moment.
Either way, I thank you for witnessing my experience of discombobulation this week, and I wish you well as you navigate your discombobulation, if indeed you are experiencing it, and/or in whatever form that takes.
But wait! Perhaps all of this talk of discombobulation is feeling a bit too intense on a sunny Sunday morning? Well then check out this article about the fascinating silence of owls.
Still too much realness? Then in homage to this week's dispatch greeting, please listen to one of my favourite Weird Al songs-- genuinely I think it is objectively one of his best. And in case this is not to your taste, you can also check out this "Same Energy" game. It took me a couple of tries to get it but I now feel like an expert in this meme.
From one exploring person to another, I am glad that we can ask existential questions together. I hope you enjoyed this dispatch, and have a reflection-filled week!
Until next-next Sunday,
The Earnest Platypus