"Know Thyself" seems to be the hardest words
Hello you walk on the wild side.
It's a funny thing about taking a holiday, being a bit more quiet, allowing yourself to go with your gut and getting back in touch with what matters to you, what you like, what you value, etc... For me anyway, if I do get a bit of quiet(er) time, I often end up coming out of it feeling more like "me". These moments of pause are valuable not just to "get away from it all" (though as we know, trying to escape ourselves is futile) but also importantly to "come back to yourself". So as I get back into the 'real world' after a light-ish break, I am thinking this week about authenticity and generally keeping in touch with the connection to and with my "self".
So.... let's jump in with a quote:
“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson
Behold the romantic and simplistic ideal of living authentically: essentially "Just be yourself!" This is sage advice in theory, but of all of the aphorisms out there, I would wager that this is one of the more difficult to put into practice. For to actually live this statement, a first step is to grapple with the question of who is the "yourself" that you are trying to be...
A question for the ages, but a practical first step is to explore what it means to you to live authentically-- because ultimately and in large part "we are what we do". So you could check out the 7 qualities of an authentic person for example (a charmingly simple list, but each one of them could take years for a person to unpack), or maybe dive into the mammoth internet sensation of "Why you should stop caring what other people think" (genuinely though: if you have never checked this out, please do--- it is a long but really insightful and fun read)-- there are many tools to help think about what living authentically might look like. But how does one get at the kernel of who "yourself" is so you can live this beautiful and brave authentic life we have all heard so much about?
Well fair reader, I hate to break it to you, but I have no freaking clue. And honestly, I don't think anyone really does-- the path to self-understanding and self-discovery is individual to each person and is so dependent on one's life path, current circumstances, openness, predilections, defenses, motivations, perspectives, etc...
"Well then Earnest Platypus, why try to say anything about this at all?!"
Good question. No one can tell you who you are or the best way to know your true self-- but we can share our own experimentation. I have dabbled a bit with trying to understand what it means (for me) to live authentically over the past couple of years-- not with the result of fully understanding my true self with all its lightness and shadows, not even close-- but the effort has nudged me in a more fulfilling and authentic direction.
One of these efforts has involved a push forward, and the other a pull back. The first-- the push forward-- is to challenge my (and others') assumptions about how I should act/ be in the world, and especially those assumptions that revolve around being a woman. For example, as many who know me well can attest, I apologize a lot. Like a LOT. It is a decades-long-held habit that has deep psychological roots but is also an ingrained verbal tick that comes out dozens of times a day. I don't want to take ownership for things that are not my fault, and I have made strides over the years towards de-linking my existence from everything that goes wrong. But more recently I have also found freedom in knowing that apologizing is not inherently a bad thing. As the author of this article notes, “I get it. Maybe women apologize a lot... But the counterpoint is, why don’t men apologize more? ... I do say ‘I’m sorry’ a lot, but I’m not putting myself down. It just means I want to acknowledge the effect of what I did or what happened to you.”
Challenging my assumptions about the "badness" of apologizing and reframing the practice has been transformative-- not just to help me distinguish between what I do and don't actually feel personally responsible for, but also to understand where some of the social pushback on apologizing comes from (#thepatriarchy) and to feel okay with how I authentically express my self. I am not advocating for a person to justify their ruts and destructive habits, but I genuinely sometimes feel like saying "I am sorry" is the right thing to do even if I am not involved or responsible for the situation-- not to take the blame something that I had no part in, but to empathize with the person and mourn the pain that they are in. When 'I am sorry' comes from a genuine place of care and concern, the article concludes that “ 'asking people to stop apologizing is like asking them to stop saying hello and goodbye... Those kinds of automatic courtesies are what make it possible to live together.' "
I feel this in my bones. And so I apologize sometimes. And I am not going to apologize for it (although doing so is VERY on brand...)
PS: as a complement to this personal reframe, and as an avid and enthusiastic punctuation user, I also appreciated this perspective shifting question about whether men should use more exclamation marks
The second thing I have been playing around with is the pull back: to draw lines, to have standards, have limits, know what you do and don't like, what you will and won't accept. In short, boundary setting. And it is a tough one-- again especially for women-- but we all struggle with it. As a seasoned people-pleaser, boundary setting is not my strength. But I find that when I take the time to be honest with myself and others (even with mundane questions) and then make a decision to say yes or no to what is in front of me, that day-to-day decision making and mild boundary setting helps set me up to spend my time in ways that feel authentic and genuine to me, rather than only meeting the needs of others. But for some people (including myself sometimes) even the simple act of saying the word "no" is difficult. If that is you, there are some useful tools out there such as self assessment quizzes to know if you have thick or thin boundaries, and lots of advice and tips for setting healthy boundaries or how to say no without feeling guilty.
Ultimately friends, we are all on the same journey: trying to figure out who we are and how to live as authentically, wholly and purposefully as possible. Some of that involves challenging assumptions and getting back to the basics, some of it involves giving things up that might have been important in the past, some of it involves finding and accepting your own path. And so many other things--- this quest to live authentically is iterative and perpetual and hard work. But ultimately, I think it is worth it.
But don't worry... there is a back-up plan:
But wait! Is all this talk of authenticity feeling a bit too ambitious on a sunny Sunday morning? Then please enjoy this podcast channel hosted by a 5 year old. I find this absolutely delightful and unintentionally profound (some of the time)
Still too much realness? Then speaking of awesome kids, check out this video of a very enthusiastic basketball guard.
From one bat-cat-of-a-person to another, I am glad that we can question and experiment (and fight villains) together. I hope you enjoyed this dispatch, and have a genuine week!
Until next Sunday,
The Earnest Platypus