Just a spoonful of kindness makes the medicine go down
Hello you tall glass of water.
Maybe it is because the sun is shining and everything feels a bit rosy and warm around the edges. Maybe it is because people are out and about and I am able to see more small acts of kindness in the world around me. Maybe it is because I have been shown several lovely moments of kindness this week. Or maybe I am just getting sappy in my old age. #alloftheabove Whatever the case, I have been thinking this week about what kindness is, why it matters and how to bring more of it into the world.
Kindness is one of those concepts that we often think of as simple and easily known, and we tend to brush off the practice as a given, or we reserve the word for conversations with children who are acting up for example. But make no mistake-- practicing kindness is often not for the faint of heart. Doing it well or poorly can in turn inspire us to examine our own sense of self worth, confront deeply held beliefs about how we move about in the world as ourselves and with others, or throw up questions about some of the assumptions we have made about the fundamentals of human ethics, values and morality.
While often underplayed as an important skill in 'adulting', when you actually dig into the fundamental role that kindness can play in our lives, you realize just how complex and transformative the conscious practice of kindness can be. I know I have dabbled with these ideas before in other dispatches (here and here for example), but this week I want to name kindness specifically-- to sort of reclaim the word as something valuable and powerful-- and to explore a few ways to bring more of it into my interactions with others, especially when the situation is complex and it might be difficult to know how to be kind.
Like everyone, I generally try to approach the people I meet with kindness-- both strangers as well as the people I know and care about. But also like everyone, I fail all the time: I get lazy and take the interaction for granted, I ignore the other person's reality, or I get triggered by some pain point and feel hurt or emotionally threatened. And when trying to cope with all of those scenarios, kindness is often the first thing to fly out the window. This is not to say that every casual human interaction needs to be infused with presence and meaning and unicorn vibes-- that would be exhausting (and filled with WAY too much glitter). But if kindness is a muscle rather than a personality trait (which I believe it is), then if we want to, we can seek out ways to train ourselves to be more kind, to create new habits and new scripts.
While a lot of popular writing about interpersonal expressions of kindness focuses on romantic relationships (please don't get me started on our dysfunctional cultural obsession with romanticism), I did like this article about the power of being kind to/with others, and I think the lessons can apply to any caring interaction. It is worth the read, but in particular, I found particular insight in the lessons about appreciating a person's intentions and sharing a quick moment of joy as two easy but powerful gestures to foster kindness. The other lesson built in to these two insights is that being kind is not necessarily about sacrificing anything-- instead it is often about how we choose 'be' with people; in this case with truth and presence: seeing the other person as they are and experiencing the moment together. There is not really a lot to 'give' in this way of thinking about kindness. And this can apply to so many of our interactions, both close and casual--- because friends, ultimately, "...the only thing that counts is kindness".
"Okay fine Earnest Platypus... but what about those moments in our close relationships where kindness feels harder to access?" Well, I am glad you asked. Actually I don't know if I am glad you asked--- the answer is complex and I don't have any answers really. However, I liked this article about how using the phrase "the story I am telling myself..." can cut through assumptions and bring us back to truth and presence. I also liked this reminder about how to share constructively in difficult situations: ie: When ____[observation], I feel ____[emotion] because I’m needing some ____[universal needs]. Would you be able to ____[request]? Or maybe we want to just go for a full-blown kindness revolution...? There are more and more people researching in this space, and I am intrigued.
Listen, let's be honest: none of us knows what the freg we are doing about 90% of the time. But by being more conscious about kindness, I think we can create more opportunities to positively connect with each other and ourselves in small but meaningful ways. Given the state of the world right now, this feels like something that is worth doing.
But wait! Is all this talk of being kind with others a bit too happy and extroverted for you on this calm Sunday morning? Then please check out this article about the North Korean Underground Railroad-- it is a long, painful read about one of the many human travesties currently taking place in the modern era.
Or maybe that is a bit too much realness? Then check out this video of a baseball announcer giving a live play-by-play of himself catching a foul ball.
From one ever-evolving person to another, I am glad that we can co-create a world in which we want to live together. I hope you enjoyed this dispatch, and have a kindness-filled week!
Until next Sunday,
The Earnest Platypus