Communication Appreciation
Hello you hunchback of notre damn.
This week, I am happily wiping away the thick film of kleenex dust and cough syrup residue of winter illness and stepping back into the light of human sociability. As the rhythms of real life take hold and I attempt to reengage with the world and the people in it, I have been thinking about speaking and listening, what makes a good conversation and how to create meaningful ways to connect with each other.
While generally a bit of an awkward person (but I guess who isn't), I have always been comfortable with chit chat and small talk, and even find it enjoyable-- the pleasure of discovering an unexpected connection while riding the elevator with the person living three floors above, the fleeting check-in on how the day is going with the cashier at Shoppers Drug Mart, commenting on the weather (a Canadian small-talk favourite) with a stranger while waiting at the crosswalk. Some people don't like this kind of small-talk exchange, and I do understand why. It is often a very surface-level exchange, and can be pretty repetitive ("Yes, we sure have gotten a LOT of snow this winter!"). But honestly I like these moments-- especially living in the middle of a big city, these brief interactions remind me that I am surrounded by real people with their own rich inner lives. Even if we are not connecting deeply, a generous handful of small, pleasant interactions can sometimes scratch the human connection itch.
Small talk aside, gathering together in a big group with friends is also a joy. But while it is wonderful spending time in one place with a bunch of people you care about-- like the casual chats in the elevator-- I find it can feel hard to have a real conversation with someone in a bigger gathering. As I get older (insert old lady emoji here), I find myself gravitating towards more small group gatherings and one-on-one conversations. This requires a bigger time investment, but the connection pay-off is worth it. If I have three hours to spend being social, I increasingly want to spend my time with someone in a good one-on-one, deep dive over brunch instead of flitting around chatting with lots of people at a big party.
(PS: Which prompts me to check in with myself quickly: as a life-long ENFP, am I becoming *gasp* an introvert? I don't think so (and not that that would be a bad thing), but I do like this ultimate guide to being an introvert just in case I start to turn...)
So, assuming I am not evolving into an introvert, maybe this shift towards wanting more one-on-one time is a quality-over-quantity thing. Maybe I am unconsciously redefining what I want out of my relationships with others. Maybe I actually don't like talking about the weather...
Nah-- I think they would take away my Canadian passport if I stopped talking about the weather. What I think I am trying to do is be better at "connecting empathically with others—to feel with them, to care about their well-being, and to act with compassion." I know, I know. Isn't this what we are all trying to do in our awkward, social-monkey-animal sort of way when we have a conversation with people we care about? I guess I am trying to be more conscious about connecting empathetically--- and as I emerge from my illness cocoon, I have been examining how I spend my time with others and trying to think about how to take advantage of the time we have together.
This kind of meaningful exchange takes work. And it's not just about learning to be a good listener (though of course this is essential). It is also about what you bring to the table-- and so I have been experimenting a little bit lately with being more vulnerable. Like most of my insights, this idea is not revolutionary-- lots of smart people have been talking about this for years-- but I have recently been opening up to being a bit more of a beautiful mess, and have really appreciated the depth and intimacy that this can open.
Who knew?! Well, most people probably--- but now I am beginning to know that too, in a still-experimental but increasingly-meaningful way. As the indomitable Ursula LeGiun has described the magic of real human conversation: "Words are events, they do things, change things. They transform both speaker and hearer; they feed energy back and forth and amplify it." And I appreciate some of the 'events' and energy that have been created in these experiments.
Interested in exploring this space too? A few extra tidbits to share:
A list of 36 questions to fall in love-- our society is obsessed with romance, but I think these questions are also a wonderful springboard for exploring and potentially deepening any kind of relationship
Speaking of space, scientists have discovered a mysterious cosmic signal -- is this a new conversation waiting to be had?
I loved this recent account of the beautiful online life of a physically challenged teen and the deep human connections he made virtually from his parent's basement, which were only revealed when he passed away
And if all else fails and you find yourself in conversation abroad, here are some tactics for pretending you know what is happening when someone is speaking a foreign language
From one person figuring out how to connect to others with the magic of words, I am glad that we can communicate generously together. I hope you enjoyed this dispatch, and have a chit-chat-filled week!
Until next Sunday,
The Earnest Platypus