Accepting the inevitable
Hello you taste of things to come.
I attended another virtual book club gathering this week... and I failed at book clubbing. Again.
This is one of the three book clubs I am in, although this specific one-- small, casual and formed when COVID hit-- has been meeting pretty regularly, whereas the more formal clubs I was participating in before the pandemic hit have scaled back a bit lately. And honestly, thank goodness they have.
Because for the umpteenth gathering in a row, I had to apologize for not having read what I said I would try to read.
Since the pandemic started, I have been finding it so difficult to engage with "fictional" things. Books, movies, TV shows. Even my novel writing efforts have fallen by the wayside-- not because I don't want to work on it, but because I feel like I can't. I am reading and writing a lot, but it is all very practical and information-driven. Time slips away so easily, and the effort to try to consume or generate fictional stories in this larger-than-life moment feels weirdly dissonant and hugely energy consuming.
It's a strange feeling. I used to read a lot of books for pleasure. And I keep making pledges and plans to pick it back up. But I don't (yet). Part of me really misses reading and writing fiction, but then again nostalgia seems to be the new normal.
So I keep showing up to our virtual book club gatherings, apologizing for not having read anything fictional. And my patient companions keep forgiving me this failure. And I feel grateful for the pass. And we talk about what they are reading, or about what we read a long time ago that relates to what is being discussed, or we talk about preserving fruits and vegetables, or about wacky tattoos. The conversation wends and weaves as it pleases. People show up or they don't. People read books or they don't. It is all welcome.
I am grateful for these spaces where we can show up or not, fail or succeed, and all is received with acceptance and gentleness. And in part, it is this casual gentleness and acceptance that I have been thinking about this week. Because I feel like we all need a bit (more?) of that in our lives right now.
While it is the case that in some contexts that overwhelmedness is a choice, I don't think that is true all the time. Sometimes life is just overwhelming. And as we have been exploring in these dispatches, I would say that life is especially overwhelming right now with all that needs our attention, our energy, our voice, our selves.
The thing with overwhelmedness is that it is often something that happens to us when we are carrying a lot in our heads and our hearts, and feel judged (either by ourselves or others) for what we are and aren't doing with all of the balls in the air.
My little book club experience has given me a glimpse into the value of seeking out the occasional oasis of acceptance as we make our way through the vast desert of expectation and overwhelmedness that can subtly haunt an engaged existence. As the journey unfolds, I want to create more opportunities to experience gentleness for what we are carrying, and acceptance of the inevitable failure that can come with carrying these heavy loads. I am not great at this, but I am learning.
These gentle spaces can be found in communion with others, but also in communion with ourselves. As a side note, I appreciated this post from Kate Arends of 20 journaling prompts to get you out of your head. I encourage you to visit her blog post for the complete list, but some of my favourites on the list include:
Journaling Prompts for Self-Discovery:
What do I know to be true that I didn’t know a year ago?
What can wait until next week?
How does every part of my body feel in this moment?
Journaling Prompts for Managing Emotions:
What emotions am I holding on to?
Why am I doing X?
Have I tried to take my ego out of the situation?
Journaling Prompts for Anxiety and Depression
What hurts right now? How can I find relief?
What are the things in my home that are the most “me”?
What am I doing right now?
Write down an entire list of what you are worried about. Star the items that you know are 100% true and not solely a feeling.
I am going to continue to focus on what I need to focus on in the world, and for now, probably continue to show up at book club meetings having not read anything. Sorry, friends! Eventually that will change. But for now, I am grateful that I can focus my time and energy where I feel it needs to be, and still show up to book club a failure, hang out with some lovely people with whatever I have to bring in that moment, and be accepted in all my ball-dropping glory.
But wait! Perhaps all of this talk of overwhelmedness is feeling a bit too intense on a sunny Sunday morning? Well then why not escape this earthly existence altogether and check out this new video footage of Korolev Crater on Mars... yes, I said Mars. It BLOWS MY MIND that we can see footage like this on another planet millions of kilometers away. Humans are amazing!
Still too much realness? Then please enjoy this adorable clip of a baby armadillo playing with their pink plushie toy. Armadillos are amazing too.
From one failing person to another, I am glad that we can find space for acceptance together. I hope you enjoyed this dispatch, and have a gentleness-filled week!
Until next Sunday,
The Earnest Platypus