I've got a LOVE-ly bunch of coconuts
Hello you sea shell by the sea shore.
February is upon us friends, and the 14th is right around the corner. Gasp! Be still, my beating heart... No seriously. Chill, heart. This is not that special a time of year-- love is an every-day-of-the-year thing. But I am getting ahead of myself...
As one might expect, I am not so interested in the tooth-rottingly-saccharine concept of romantic love that is promoted to celebrate Valentine's Day every year. But I also don't feel the need to pile on to the feverish backlash to the holiday either. I don't really have anything original to add to the conversation at this point. We all know how romanticism ruined love.
Instead, this week I thought I would embrace the opportunity to think about love, and put together a little compilation of some complexity-embracing bits and bobs that people might be interested in exploring ahead of Valentine's Day. Maybe you identify with the romantic version of love that the 14th promotes--- then you have lots of fodder to play with. Have fun! But for those who have a more complex, nuanced or complicated relationship with what we are told love is 'supposed' to be, then this dispatch is for you. Enjoy perusing the articles and thought-pieces herein. They are shared with the hope that everyone can meet the 14th having thought deeply/differently about the concept of love, what it means for you and how to be more open to the love all around us.
Because don't get me wrong. Love is the most important thing we do/ have/ are. As Brianna Weist wrote (and as I have shared before), "The real work is learning love. Everything else is just distraction." But we don't often get the chance to think about what the concept of love means to each of us individually, and how much work it can be to do this 'real work' for ourselves and other. So consider this your (slightly annotated) jumping off point with which to explore your own love work!
To start, I liked the framing of this short article about how love exists outside of the framework of justice. This quote kind of sums it up: "Perhaps the most impossible thing we all want is for the things that happen to us to make sense." And when it comes to loving others (or oneself), sense is not always in abundance.
That said, there are some proven techniques to help us love well. I have shared this article before, but it is really great, so I am going to keep putting it in front of people every once in a while. Did you know that the secret to love is kindness? It is, and this fact is so elegant in its simplicity.
But kindness is not a panacea for creating a loving relationship of course. Perhaps you have had the experience of nudging up on a partnership but it not really taking hold? This article on "almost relationships" is an interesting take on a modern phenomenon
But it is important to also get good at loving yourself first and foremost. I enjoyed this recent take on being "consciously uncoupled" and the joy of self partnership
Because of course, what is woman’s secret to longevity? (spoiler: Not getting married)
That said, cultivating loving relationships in one's life is not just about a coupled partnership with one person. I liked this article about the case for buying a house with friends (and you can revisit this dispatch for more resources on how to be a friend to others)
But perhaps you really want to explore what a successful partnership might look like. Then here is some advice on things to look for in a partner from a psychotherapist. I also thought "Wait But Why"'s old posts about how to pick a life partner (part 1 and part 2) were pretty cute
However, the reality is that doing the work of love is as much about understanding how to meet others as it is doing the difficult work of being vulnerable and opening ourselves up to genuine love. I liked this article about doing the hard work, explaining that "real awakenings are not elegant—they are messy, ugly, shattered and raw" (and the recent solstice dispatch has some resources around embracing all parts of ourselves, for those interested)
But perhaps this is information overload... So a few more artistically inclined resources. I thought I would re-share this great quote from Toni Morrison on love:
“Let me tell you about love, that silly word you believe is about whether you like somebody or whether somebody likes you or whether you can put up with somebody in order to get something or someplace you want or you believe it has to do with how your body responds to another body like robins or bison or maybe you believe love is how forces or nature or luck is benign to you in particular not maiming or killing you but if so doing it for your own good. Love is none of that. There is nothing in nature like it. Not in robins or bison or in the banging tails of your hunting dogs and not in blossoms or suckling foal. Love is divine only and difficult always. If you think it is easy you are a fool. If you think it is natural you are blind. It is a learned application without reason or motive except that it is God. You do not deserve love regardless of the suffering you have endured. You do not deserve love because somebody did you wrong. You do not deserve love just because you want it. You can only earn - by practice and careful contemplations - the right to express it and you have to learn how to accept it. Which is to say you have to earn God. You have to practice God... And if you are a good and diligent student you may secure the right to show love. Love is not a gift. It is a diploma. A diploma conferring certain privileges: the privilege of expressing love and the privilege of receiving it. How do you know you have graduated? You don't. What you do know is that you are human and therefore educable, and therefore capable of learning how to learn, and therefore interesting to God, who is interested only in [her]self which is to say [she] is interested only in love. Do you understand me? God is not interested in you. [S]he is interested in love and the bliss it brings to those who understand and share the interest.”
― Toni Morrison (from Paradise)
I also enjoyed recently reading this poem called "Romanticism 101"
Or maybe you want to simply reflect on some of the ways that love is already part of your life. I leave you with a few questions to ponder:
Who really enriched your life in a big way in the past year? Who is someone you want to get to know better in the year ahead?
What community are you a part of right now that you find most nourishing? What kind of community are you craving?
Whew! I hope there is at least one nugget of inspiration in that mix for you to take with you into Valentine's Day this year. May your love-reflection be wide-reaching, generous and nourishing.
But wait! Perhaps all of this talk of loving is feeling a bit too intense on a sunny Sunday morning? Then please feel free to check out the OneLook Thesaurus/ reverse dictionary. A fabulous tool for people (like me) who often forget a word but remember a concept
Still too much realness? Then check out this video of a dance rehearsal from a recent "Arabs Got Talent" audition--- mesmerizing!
From one heart-full person to another, I am glad that we can cultivate love together. I hope you enjoyed this dispatch, and have a connection-filled week!
Until next Sunday,
The Earnest Platypus